The Most Normal Family Dinner Ever
by pyr0technic
Summary: Miles brings Phoenix home to meet his parents and his little sister Franziska. Chaos and hilarity ensues. "Did you say, and I quote, I have no objections to having hot gay sex with Edgeworth?" "It's... more of an expression." Crackfic. [DL6neverhappened!AU]


**notes:**

first of all, thanks to ichilover for the layout. credit to you. second of all: a classic AU in which DL-6 never happened. this is my first time writing in such an angst-free universe. it feels great :') it ends up in gregory defeating von karma himself in a later turn of events, and adopting franziska to live with them.

also in this universe gregory ends up getting back together with his ex-wife. she was a really bubbly gal in her youth and ended up simmering down later on in her mid forties. her and miles have a pretty OK relationship, if not more distant since he met her a lot later on.

aaand, what else? oh, yeah, they're around high school age, and they usually always hung out at phoenix or larry's place, or somewhere else — as a result, not too familiar with gregory.

yeah ik this AU is literally almost too good to be true, BUT. how often do we get these kinds of things? enjoy!

* * *

"I apologize for this," Miles muttered, body stiff from nervousness.

Phoenix scoffed. "Don't worry about it! It'll be _fiiiine_." He grinned, elbowing Miles' side. "You should smile more."

Miles rolled his eyes, but fell into his habit of grasping his elbow. Even Phoenix's ever-present optimism wasn't enough to convince him. He thought back to the moment his father was sorting through the mail, stumbling upon another one of Phoenix's letters.

"Phoenix sends you an awful lot of letters, doesn't he?" his father had commented.

"He isn't quite well-affiliated with modern technology yet," Miles quickly replied.

In the end, Gregory ended up asking for Miles to bring Phoenix to dinner. Miles obeyed, as he usually did, and Phoenix agreed because he had nothing better to do, and he was never one to pass up a free meal. At least, that's what Miles thought.

Phoenix seemed rather optimistic as he flashed a thumbs-up at Miles, grin still in place. Miles' expression was filled with dread, face pale and arms awkwardly at his side.

Oh, the number of things that could go wrong...

What really concerned Miles about this sudden request of his father's was that he had briefly met Phoenix and Larry before. He didn't understand why there was this... sudden interest in Phoenix. It felt like he was introducing his boyfriend or something—

 _Let's not go there_ , Miles thought, as he felt the heat rise to his face. It made no sense. Him and Phoenix weren't dating — Phoenix was into girls — and on top of that, it was just so ridiculous, Miles was never one for these "relationship" type things, and—

"What's wrong, 'Edgey-baby?'" Phoenix teased, resting his elbow on Miles' shoulder. "It's just dinner."

Oh, how Miles _hated_ that disgusting nickname that Larry came up with.

"Wright." His narrowed eyes were piercing, directed at Phoenix. "I need you to be serious."

"Calm down, Edgeworth," Phoenix said, though his smile faded a bit. Miles was acting really odd about this whole thing, and it made him wonder if he was ashamed for his family to meet him. "I won't act like an uncultured swine," he added as nonchalantly as possible.

Miles sighed. "I didn't mean it like that—"

"Forget it," Phoenix said lightheartedly. Instead, he smoothed out a crease in his shirt. "Do I look alright?"

Miles thought he looked quite nice. He stuck with his usual trend of blue, opting for khaki pants and a light blue pinstripe button-up. It was simple and it suited him.

Instead of telling him all of that, however, he said, "Acceptable."

Phoenix seemed unimpressed with a response, but relented, grinning with a slight shove. He understood that Edgeworth's vocabulary was not your everyday neighborhood kid's vocabulary. In the language of Edgeworth, "acceptable" meant " _damn good_." He could live with that.

"Okay, let's actually knock now. I'm getting cold."

* * *

Phoenix stirred his soup, feeling extremely disconcerted at the silence that permeated the dinner table. It prompted him to wonder for the umpteenth time the hell he was doing here. Miles sat to his right. Across from him sat Miles' father and mother. And to his left...

There was Franziska.

He had never her before, so... this sure would be interesting.

"Thank you for joining us for dinner, Phoenix," Gregory suddenly addressed, smiling cordially. "I understand it was on short notice."

Miles' mother also smiled, nodding. "I'm Johanna, by the way. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Edgeworth," Phoenix said. "And thank you for having me. If you don't mind me asking... why have you invited me?"

Franziska made a clicking noise, setting her teacup down. "He wants to interrogate you," she said bluntly.

Gregory sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was just going to be one of _those_ nights. "Franziska," he said, giving her a meaningful look.

Franziska only smirked. "Father, it's alright. I've got this, trust me." She turned her chair towards Phoenix, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap.

Phoenix simply raised an eyebrow, not having anticipated this turn of events in the slightest bit.

"Alright, we'll start with the basics. Who are your parents? Do they work anyplace nearby?"

"Franziska!" Miles hissed. He desperately looked to Gregory, in hopes that he would do something to stop this nonsense, but he seemed like he'd already given up. And... he seemed slightly interested in the answer.

Luckily, his mother seemed to have some sense. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Phoenix," Johanna assured.

"It's okay," Phoenix said, waving her off. "I don't know my parents. I live with my aunt and uncle, and they both work for a bakery. I was born in L.A., but my mom was just visiting. I was told she couldn't support me at the time."

None of them had been expecting this answer. This prompted another brief silence, punctuated with Franziska, who said, "Oh."

"Yep," Phoenix nodded, smiling. He didn't mind talking about this stuff, it wasn't really a big deal to him.

"What college are you planning on going to?" Franziska questioned next.

"Um, I actually dunno yet." Phoenix shrugged. "To our local university, probably. Maybe state. I'm planning on retaking the SATs, because the last time I took it, my score was kinda shit. I guess it depends on that."

Miles' eyes widened incredulously. You don't just use profanity in front of your elders. That wasn't... socially acceptable! He held bated breath, waiting for his parents' reaction, but neither seemed terrible. Gregory merely raised an eyebrow, not appearing scandalized in the least. Johanna didn't have anything to say.

"I mean, I'd be happy with getting into a normal university, but Edg— Miles was the one who pushed me to retake them. I'm happy with my "shit" score, but _some_ people can't help but put me up to their ridiculously high standards," Phoenix said, comically nonchalantly, shrugging and shaking his head.

Johanna almost snorted with laughter at that one, while Gregory's eyebrow remained raised.

"Semi-decent ambition," Franziska quietly muttered to herself, as if she were taking mental notes. After staring at the ceiling for a moment, she locked gazes with Phoenix. "Alright, my final question: What are your intentions with my little brother?"

"Franziska!" Miles snapped again, this time more harshly. Was she out of her mind? He desperately looked to Gregory, though he seemed suspiciously silent, as if he wanted to hear the answer. He looked to Johanna, who widened her eyes under his gaze.

"Uh, right... you don't _have_ to answer that," Johanna informed Phoenix half-heartedly. She winked at Franziska, who smirked back.

Phoenix didn't seem put-off by the question. "He's my best friend."

Franziska frowned, not satisfied with the answer. "Hm, is that so. Now, is it true that these are your letters?" From out of nowhere, she whipped out some of Phoenix's handwritten letters to Miles.

Miles instantly felt himself flush. How had she gotten her hands on those? He had stashed those in his room in a safe place, for... for safe... keeping.

Phoenix raised his eyebrows. "Uh, yeah... I wrote them."

"And why, may I ask, are you sending him letters when in this day and age, when a simple text or phone call can do the trick?"

Phoenix shrugged. "I don't know, it's kind of a hobby of mine. When I was younger, I didn't have those things, so when E—Miles was absent, I'd just mail him. It kinda stuck."

"And can I also ask, why the letter is addressed to 'Edgey-baby' and... why there are childish scribblings all over the paper?"

Miles facepalmed, lowering his head to the table. This was truly a lost cause.

"Oh that," Phoenix grinned. "Kind of an inside joke from a while ago. Long story. Also, I'm an artist."

"Really?" Johanna asked, suddenly interested.

"Yeah! Wanna see?"

Phoenix pulled out what seemed to be like his personal sketchbook from underneath the table, sliding it to Johanna for her and Gregory to see.

"You carry that around with you?" Miles asked disbelievingly.

Phoenix looked at him like he was the most unreasonable heathen he'd ever seen. "Uh, why wouldn't I?"

Meanwhile, Gregory and Johanna were flipping through the pages.

"Ooh!" Gregory pointed appreciatively at the adorable puppy panting at one of the pages. Johanna flipped through the next page, where they found a beautiful sunset, a fantastic view of Gourd Lake, and then... a sleeping Miles.

"Whoops!" Phoenix laughed nervously, reaching his hand behind his neck. "Those are for me." He continued to flip quickly through the next few pages, which were all Miles. Him looking off into the distance, him focusing his gaze on his textbook, the wind rustling through his hair...

Miles could feel the heat reaching his _ears._ He'd always seen Phoenix sketching when he was around him, but... he had no idea that he himself was the subject of these sketches.

"Why are there so many of my brother?" Franziska questioned, suspiciously eyeing Phoenix.

Phoenix nearly scoffed. "Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but Miles is pretty popular at our school. He's a good-looking guy — even as a guy, I totally admit that."

"I've definitely noticed that," Johanna spoke up, nodding sadly. "Sometimes my friends joke that he's prettier than me."

Gregory nodded sagely, face turned away as he clenched his fist. "It's the Edgeworth curse."

"He makes a great subject," Phoenix pointed out, directing their attention to a drawing of Edgeworth looking up to the sky. "Look how the wind gently ruffles his hair."

Everyone nodded in agreement, even Franziska, as she tilted her head to the side and murmured, "It does seem to have an air of mystique."

Meanwhile, Miles watched all of this in horror.

Franziska's eyes returned to the ceiling again, taking her mental notes. "Finds him attractive," she mumbled under her breath, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Franziska, enough!" Miles' voice had gotten slightly higher, unable to bear the embarrassment much longer.

Franziska completely ignored him, smirking almost demonically when she faced Phoenix again. "And lastly, did you or did you not, tell Larry Butz that you had no objections to having hot gay sex with Miles?"

Gregory choked on his tea, Johanna started laughing again, and if Miles was not the dignified little man he was, he would have fallen out of his chair. He settled for choking on his own spit, coughing heavily.

Phoenix didn't seem too embarrassed or surprised, only sightly reddened, if not by the reactions. "I did," he admitted. "I'm surprised you've talked to him before. But... it's more of an expression."

"An expression?" Franziska echoed.

"Ask any girl or guy on the street. They'd say the same," Phoenix claimed, shrugging casually.

"So you _don't_ want any sexual relations with my little brother?" Franziska asked.

"Are you sure you haven't reached your question quota for the day?" Phoenix replied.

"Touche." Franziska's mental note followed soon after, "Sexual attraction confirmed."

At this point, everyone was too done to object or react. Miles had settled for hiding his face by resting it on the table, while Gregory seemed satisfied, if a tad overwhelmed from Franziska's... method of doing things. Johanna seemed quite content.

"I think we're done here. I approve." Franziska smiled a bit and nodded resolutely.

Miles was officially lost. "What on Earth are you talking about?"

"I like him," Franziska said casually. "And you two would be a good match. He's the most suited for my idiotic little brother."

"I think so too," Johanna added, grinning when Franziska brightened at the support.

Miles was about this close to losing it. His face may as well have been permanently blushing, as he replied hotly, "I don't believe that's your decision—"

"All in favor?" Franziska interrupted, raising her hand.

"This is ridicu— Wright, put your hand down!"

"Officially out-voted, Edgey-baby, aren't you?" Phoenix said, bursting out into laughter. Johanna laughed too, and Franziska looked extremely pleased with herself.

Miles wondered if he was the only sane family member left.

"Ah, Phoenix," Gregory said. "Do you mind if I take a copy of this?" He pointed at a sketch of a few puppies rolling around in a field of flowers.

That answered that.


End file.
